Wednesday, June 22
i am so bloody
bored i can't decide whether to tear my hair out or bang my head against the bloody [sorry,
soon to be bloodied] wall. -screams and runs around-
gosh i wish i
would scream and run around, at least i'd lose some weight. my econs is in front of me, as it has been all day. now i know my mugger-ish hwachongmates have been studying very hard yadda yadda oh go get a life, and get off mine. i am not feeling charitable towards those unlike me.
oh, there is a price to pay for every mistake, but it's only a mistake if you think of it that way. you could, alternatively, learn from whatever isn't accepted as 'right' by our very straightlaced society and walk an alternative path that still leads you to where you want to go. in my case, i have no idea where i want to go, but i'll keep walking down life's road til i come to another fork.
i've been taking stock of my life, and i realise that its value has gone down
very steeply indeed. firstly. i'm stuck in a cheena school even though i realised the gravity of that mistake very promptly. thanks to society ie my parents i am now 1/4 way through hell.
secondly.
gosh the people in hwachong really suck. c'mon don't bullshit to me about the warmth of the atmosphere. it couldn't be colder if you put me in alaska, or have i been utterly spoilt by my perfect ex-class? muggers. -swears and scowls- and backstabbers too, apparently. hiyah going to school is a bullshitty waste of my time.
thirdly.
you, my dearest, dearest, much beloved friends are not there. and how, may i know, am i supposed to live without you? hmm?? you're all together in sa, and i can't be there and you're all happy happy. janet's in cheenaland too, but she likes it. plus i won't say she's entirely alone. to the sa people, ie jean, van, joan etc: we've gone out a few times now.. and i've noticed something.. you're so at home there, it's so natural, it's almost ['tho not quite] st marg's.. and i'm so jealous because you are all together.. same combination, same faculty, same group of friends.. and now you've got other friends.. and everything is so natural.. not superficial and stilted and calculated.. it's so spontaneous.. and suddenly i miss the way i used to fling myself on your beds and roll about.. miss the way we'd hold hands or link arms.. lie on each other in the library.. everything, everything, everything.
and this is weird, but i miss you most when you're with your new friends and i'm there too. because it suddenly becomes awkward, and all of a sudden i'm just another shit-coloured hwachong girl who fades into the background and i bet they're wondering why we're even friends, i shut up when they're around. they probably think i'm some dimwitted mute or something.. everyone's just so full of life.. and i miss the happening backrow.. i really really do miss going nuts. without really caring what people thought, cos no one bitched and it was just so natural, so spontaneous and now it will never be this way for me again.
i look at you, all happy, and i just want to cut my head off or something.
all of you are together but i am now alone and can you understand why i freak out at night when i sit in front of my computer with nothing but music playing and memories in my head? i can't wait to go to the u. get away from here. i would give my right arm, my writing arm, my stronger piano arm just to have one of the happening backrow family members or chris or bev or vank or one of the ex-PLs or someone here with me. not just in my school - look how useful that is, i hardly see jan. not just in my faculty, that's as good as nothing. but in my class. same combination. at least then.. i'd have a little piece of heaven.
and now my eyes will be puffy tmr and my piano teacher will ask what's wrong with me. heh.
as we go on, we remember all the times we had together. and as our lives change, come whatever, we will still be friends forever... will the past be a shadow that will follow us 'round, will these memories fade as we leave this town?who needs romance, when friendship is hard enough?
it must've been love.
8:39 pm
xoxo
